Memory Lane Monday: I Actually left the House Last Week (And Look What It Got Me) UPDATED

Last week I got to meet/see Jenny "The Bloggess" Lawson again. She's on tour promoting the paperback release of her book Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir) and her second stop was NYC last Wednesday.

 The best part of seeing Jenny again is she looked and seemed very healthy and less anxious plus she remembered me from last year! I told her that I had cried like a baby the first time I met her and had asked her to sign my giant anti-anxiety medication pill bottle on her book tour last year and she remembered me! Yay! I also was happy to tell her that I have a much smaller pill bottle now and rarely need the pills.  She helped me with that. Boyfriend came with me this time and he was bummed that he forgot his Geek-A-Week card for Jenny to sign. But amazingly after he told her, she pulled out a whole stack of them to sign and give out!!! Double win!

I got choked up telling Jenny how I cried last time, but I didn't sob like I did last year. I'm growing, you guys!!! So, leaving the house and buying a paperback copy of a book I already own and love (and read twice) in hardcover was totally worth it.

Jenny's totally worth it.

I left the house again last week! (That's twice for those of you keeping score.) Boyfriend's friend Blake, who is a musician had 2 extra tickets to see Bernhoft (don't worry I hadn't heard of him either) at Joe's Pub in Manhattan. My first instinct when asked "do you want to go to a concert?" was no. But, I'm trying to be more like Lucy on The Big Bang Theory who suffers from social anxiety and is trying to do things that scare her to help. So while my first instinct was to not go to this concert, Boyfriend showed me one of Bernhoft's videos:

 

And yes, he is this amazing live. So, leaving the house: worth it. 
I'm making a small collection of reminders of why it's ok and/or awesome to leave the house. Gotta gear up for Boston.


UPDATE:
So one reason it's crappy to leave the house: I have come down with what Boyfriend and I dub the "Jess Plague" it's some sort of virus that likes to attack my oral cavities making my throat/tonsils and lip swell up. Thankfully there are no canker sores on my gums this time so I can actually eat. But as long as I get this sickiness out of the way this week, it's all good. Because PAX East is next week!!!! Get ready for it.

All the Feels: Pretending You're Good At It and Other Confidence-Boosting

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Last night Boyfriend and I stumbled upon a live video chat session on Geek and Sundry's YouTube Page. I've never watched The Story Board before and I'm kicking myself because last night's was awesome! Patrick Rothfuss hosted a discussion about memoir writing and blogging featuring Jenny Lawson, Wil Wheaton, and John Scalzi. I love Jenny and Wil, and am familiar with Scalzi but was not as familiar with Patrick Rothfuss. After their poignant and hilariously inappropriate 3+ hour discussion last night, I feel better about myself as a writer and I am even more in love with these people. If you are serious about writing or maintaining a successful blog, I highly recommend watching the video. It is a long one, but I found it very interesting.

I've been a little absent from my usual blog consistency of late and to all 2 of you who probably read it regularly and enjoy my words, I'm sorry. I was gone the week of Thanksgiving and have been slightly busy since then, but I really have no excuses for not writing. The person that kept me from writing was me. As much as I loathed my full-time job with every fiber of my being, I have felt kind of like shit ever since I lost it. As much as I hated my job, and said I wish I didn't have to work there anymore, it sucks ass to be let go. Especially right before the holidays. I'm scared. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't. A dirty rotten liar. My job was consistent. It was a miserable corporate environment where I was a verbal punching bag and chained to a desk for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for crap-all pay. But, it provided a sense of security. I had a consistent paycheck and health insurance (that I could barely afford but it meant I could get the health care I needed desperately) and now everything is unknown and it's scary. I'm afraid I won't be able to afford my share of the rent or food and that will drive a rift between me and Boyfriend and it will ruin our relationship. I'm afraid I will no longer be able to afford going to therapy and my mental state will decline again. I'm afraid I will go insane. I'm afraid I'll never make it as an actor, a voice actor, or as a writer. And before you know it, in 3 short weeks self-doubt and borderline depression have made a cozy home inside my brain.

Unfortunately, that fear is seeping into the other aspects of my life including my writing/blogging. The fear and uncertainty and self-doubt morphed into a fear of failure which turns into a nasty voice inside my head that says, "You're not good enough, so bother even trying?"  

Now, I say all of this not to throw myself a pity party, but to say that the episode of The Story Board could not have been stumbled upon at a better time. It lifted my spirits and sort of rekindled that little flame of wanting to write and succeed again. It helped me ignore that voice deep inside that points and laughs at me and repeats all of my failings in my ear. I can't recommend that video enough if you are struggling. Knowing that people I look up to struggle with the very same things that I do, sometimes on a much larger scale than my own struggles, and they still succeeded gives me hope.  It also made me thankful that I do blog. I have a written account of not only my struggles and mini failures, but I have a record of my success and my awesome experiences. It w=makes me want to continue on. Keep keeping on. 

So, while I'm a little off-kilter at the moment, I will be better soon, I can feel it. I can't let the fear overpower me like it did once. I am stronger now. I am better now.

Thanks Wil and Jenny. You have given me more strength and hope than you know.

C is for Confidently Colliding with a Cyberspace Cynosure

You know how you look up to someone, you admire their work, you strive to emulate them and to fight harder to be stronger and be a better person because of them, and then you get a chance to meet them, and they are just as amazing in person as you dreamed they would be? That. Just. Happened.

My pre-ordered copy of Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir) came as it was supposed to, brightening my day as I ripped open the box like a kid on Christmas. I held that book and just caressed its smooth slate cover with the shiny image of Hamlet Von Schitzel smiling up at me.

TheBloggess.com

It came just in time too, for Jenny (The Bloggess) was holding her first book signing to kick off her book tour not 3 miles from where I stood admiring my new book that I had patiently waited months to possess. The morning that started off with a cold shower and only decaf coffee available at the office again was now full of hope and excitement and anxiousness.  After the initial excitement lessened, I started getting antsy and then started to feel the creepy fluttery "burnies" that begin in my tummy and spread through my chest and then to my extremities. Oh the irony of having a minor anxiety attack thinking about meeting your hero who encouraged you to seek help for your anxiety attacks. Irony's a bitch sometimes, isn't it?

After I left my office, I hauled ass up to the Barnes & Noble on 86th and Lexington hoping that there wouldn't be a huge line 1 hour before the signing started. On the train ride to the Upper East Side I was having mini bursts of anxiety burnies all over, thinking, "What if I'm not there early enough and the line is too long?  What if I'm the only one there and they cancel it? What if I'm the first person there and then everyone stares at me for being the creepy over-eager girl?" I was getting all sweaty on the highly-air-conditioned train car and I thought to my self, "Well, I know what I'm talking about in therapy this week..."

I got to the B&N and meandered my way downstairs to the events room where I was both pleasantly surprised and ever-so-slightly disappointed that I was not the first one there. (I know my conflicting emotions were weirding me out too.) I sat down in the second row and fidgeted the minutes away reminding myself to breathe. One of Jenny's "entourage" of friends who were there for emotional support brought out Copernicus and Juanita Weasel to set on the signing table and a collective gasp/squeal rushed through the ever-growing audience.  It was amazing. I got chills seeing how excited everyone else was to be there.

When Jenny finally walked out from wherever she was hiding, the warmest applause I've ever heard erupted and went on for minutes.  Jenny, flushed and anxious as she was, looked radiant and teared up as we all clapped for her.  Seeing how touched and excited and nervous she was to be there mixed with my own stew of emotions, I got a little misty.  She read a piece of the introduction and she read a short chapter from the book which made all of us howl with laughter.

 When it was finally my turn to get my book signed and to actually talk to Jenny, the words got stuck in my throat, but I was determined to push past it (I didn't want it to turn into the time I got to meet Matt from The Oatmeal at Comic Con...oh wait, I never told that story. Long story short: I met Matt Inman at NYCC and bought some BobCat pins and was so excited, I just stood there smiling at him and swaying slightly like a grinning idiot.  Boyfriend and Matt looked at me expectantly and it got reeeeeally uncomfortable real quick. Finally, Boyfriend nudged me and said, "Are you going to tell him how much you like The Oatmeal..?" Then, overcome by self-consciousness, my brain started working in overdrive suddenly and a rush of random phrases came out of my mouth like when you pinch off a garden hose for a minute and then let it go. Yeah, it was just as awesome as it sounds.)

Shockingly, he didn't tweet back.

I was determined to not have another debacle like that.  But, right off the bat, Jenny told me how pretty my favorite yellow dress was and that helped avoid the Oatmeal-Garden-Hose-Brain effect. I took a deep breath, thanked her for the compliment and thanked her for being so honest in her writing because she has really helped me tackle some of my own demons and helped me through some hard times, and at this point I don't remember what else I said because I was trying so hard not to cry and I got all hot and flustered. Jenny smiled sweetly and genuinely at me with tears in her own eyes and told me it was ok if I cried because she would cry and we would cry together. It was amazing. Then I made the strange request of asking her to sign my anti-anxiety medication bottle. She excitedly snatched it from my shaking hand and said,

"I would LOVE to sign your medication bottle.  And no it does not sound strange at all." 

I knew she would understand. She and her friends were so tickled that they asked to take a picture of Jenny signing my pill bottle! I was truly filled with with so much emotion, it was in danger of spilling out violently. We took a picture together and I thanked Jenny profusely and then darted out of the room into the puzzle/game section of the store where my tears flowed freely.

Jenny Lawson, you are truly wonderful!

Short-story-long: I met The Bloggess and it was amazing! Thank you, Jenny for making me laugh through my tears, giving me courage to push through another day and for sharing your Neil Gaiman mantra with us: "Pretend you're good at it." You don't need to pretend, Jenny, we all think you're spectacular!

My trophyovercoming fear

I'm a Real Blogger Now!

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This morning I received an e-mail. I received an e-mail from an author/blogger/writing consultant person who (unless he/she continues to e-mail me) will remain anonymous. Said person sent me a form e-mail pimping their book or something and trying to offer me some sort of free writing consultation/education package if I agreed to pimp their book on my blog.

So, let me get this straight: YOU want ME to take MY time to write about YOUR book (which I haven't read) on MY blog, and give YOU MY e-mail address for YOUR spam networking list and in return I get a "writer's consultation package" telling ME how to become a successful blogger and run my own Kickstarter campaign?

 So...if I need this writer's consultation package so badly to become a successful blogger, why do YOU need ME to pimp YOUR useless crap book on MY not-yet-successful blog so badly? Hmmmmm?

 So, it's official:  I'm a real blogger now!!! I'm getting asked to help sell other people's crap for free because that's what social media and blogging are all about! Before you know it, I too will be sending out snarky e-mails to PR companies! Yippee!

My Contribution to the Meme Universe (Updated)

In honor of my two favorite bloggers:



Time at work well-spent.