25 Days of Jessmas Day 15: New Hampshire & New Jersey

On the 15th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu found for me:


New Hampshire:

"Granite State Christmas" by: The Fat City Band

Finding a Christmas song about NH took an obnoxious amount of time.  After all the  Googling and false leads and almost settling for a not-really-about-NH song just to have something to write about, I found this.  I hoped that after all the trouble I went to to find this song, I would like it.  I was wrong.

I don't know if it's the obnoxious banter at the top of the song, or the doo-wop that sounds like they're trying to sound like little kids singing when they are clearly adults, or the lead singing trying to sound like a jazzy New Orleans lead singer when he's from Boston (I checked.)
Whatever the reason, I didn't like this song at all.  You can "live free or die" New Hampshire, but this song just needs to die.

1 out of 5 Dartmouth

New Jersey:

"Jersey Christmas" by: Ben Rauch

Wow.  This song is the Jersey-est Jersey to ever Jersey.  As someone who only lived in New Jersey for a year (and that was 1 year too many) I understood the majority of the references in this song.  It's obviously poking loving fun at The Garden State with the over-the-top accent and glorious white-trashiness.  The music is catchy and fun even if the lyrics are a bit obnoxious.   I hated this song far less than I hated living in New Jersey, but that's not saying much.

3 out of 5 Turnpikes

"The Fruitcake That Ate New Jersey" by: Lauren Mayer

Kill it. Kill it with fire.  Do yourself a favor and don't listen to this song.  It is so ungodly awful, I have no words.  This might be the literal worst song.  Ever.

0 out of 5 Fruitcakes

"No Christmas in New Jersey" by: Miscellaneous Plumbing Fixtures

I was really excited for this song just because of the band name.  I didn't think I could hate a song more than the fruitcake one...at least that one was short.  This song is almost 6 minutes long.  SIX. MINUTES.
This song is melancholy and whiny and he sings like someone doing a bad Tom Waits impression.  The song is about how no one celebrates Christmas in New Jersey anymore, but it never explains why.  You'd think in that 6 long ass minutes, they'd find the time to tell you why there is no more Christmas in NJ.  Or, you know what, maybe he did and I was too busy trying to fight the urge to gauge my own eardrums out so I wouldn't have to listen to this god-awful song any longer, that I stopped paying attention.

Congratulations, New Jersey, you have the most worst songs on my list.  How on brand of you.

0 out of 5 Newarks