And Then I Caught a Cold From Leonardo DiCaprio

I got to work on Martin Scorsese's new film The Wolf of Wall Street last Friday. To say that it was an amazing experience would be an understatement.

Source

My call time was 6am at a hotel in midtown. (I need to be somewhat vague about details because I have to honor the film's privacy. I don't want to get black-listed for being a chatty-Cathy.) When I got to holding, I assumed since the filming had been going on since last year, that I'd just be doing some B-roll crowd shots and junk. Amazingly, though, an AD came into our holding area after we'd been there for a couple hours to let us know how things worked on a Scorsese set, and how we were expected to behave when he was on set.  So first cool thing: I was actually getting to work on set with Martin Fucking Scorsese! "Marty" (as he goes by) expects absolute silence on set at all times and absolutely no cell phones and no picture-taking. If you broke these rules you would be kicked off set immediately and told to go home. Marty runs himself a tight ship. Then they sort of did a run-down of the scene and mentioned Leo. Second cool thing: Leonardo DiCaprio was in the scene we were filming! O. M. G. So, I got to spend all day in a room watching/working with Leo and Scorsese. Holy shit. I thought this alone would have been awesome enough. But it got a little bit better.

Source

As with most background gigs, there is a lot of waiting around doing nothing in between takes and shot setups. This gig was no different, except that there was definitely more excitement in the air than usual just because the vast majority of us had never worked on a Scorsese film before. Even so, I came prepared with my iPod, books, magazines, and my 3DS to fend off the boredom. Also, to stay awake. See, I was so pumped about working on this movie and so apprehensive about waking up early, that I could not for the life of me settle down and actually sleep Thursday night. I ended up just laying in bed until I had to wake up at 4am. Le sigh. I was so stupidly tired all day.

When it was time to go to set, everyone was buzzing about like intoxicated bees. The PAs quickly shushed us and lined all of us up to go take our places on set. Thankfully, the scene was a business seminar (sorry, gotta be vague, no spoilers) in the ballroom of a hotel which meant we all got to be sitting down. (Standing on set for 14 hours gets really old really fast.) Unfortunately for anyone sitting more than 7 rows back, they probably were not actually seen on camera. But, thems the breaks, kids. Fortunately for moi, I was in the 6th row on the aisle when it came to the group face shots, so I have a better chance of actually being in focus and seen in the film for about 3 seconds. But, I digress. 

Like this, except with Leo and Scorsese.

Once we were all placed and starting to get kind of antsy, Marty walked in. No fanfare. No introduction. Just boom there he was. A small wave of stunned silence washed over all of us in the room followed by quiet murmurs and excited whispers. I've honestly never worked on a set that was so quiet. It was kind of eerie at first, but by the end of the day I wished all sets could be quiet like this one. Marty chatted with his Director of Photography and other crew, then he turned and gave us a little nod and went to the back of the room behind a curtain where video village was set up. 

Then, Leo showed up. The ladies in the room were a little more vocal when he walked in -no one screamed or fainted or anything- but it was pretty balls-to-the-wall wonderful. Now, I want to make it clear that I've never been gaga in love with Leo. I've always thought he was easy on the eyes, but I've respected him and been impressed by him as an actor more than anything else (I mean did you see What's Eating Gilbert Grape?!) but never been head-over-heels in love with him. Even the year I went through my Bop and Tiger Beat faze and adorned my walls and closet doors with cute boys, I maybe had one pic of Leo in the mix (my heart-throbs of choice were Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Johnny Depp. Lord, I'm old.) Those pictures on my walls were quickly replaced with Star Wars posters and other geekery, but, again, I digress. 

I told you all this in the hopes that you can understand how impressive it is in the presence of Leo when he's working even for someone who isn't obsessed with him. It was amazing to see him switch from producer mode back to Leo mode and then right into his character in the blink of an eye. Boom producer talking film stuff with Marty. Boom Leo dicking around in the corner drinking some tea. Then BOOM in character and acting the pants off of everyone in the room (not literally, unfortunately.) He has this amazing presence. It's commanding but very calm and comfortable. I could spend hours in a room with him and feel amazing. Oh wait, I DID.

During one of the first takes we did, he was saying his lines, talking to the room, standing maybe 15 feet in front of me when he locked eyes with me and stared at me for a good beat while he was emphasizing something. I will say that again: 
Leonardo DiCaprio STARED INTO MY EYES! 

Again, I'm not gooey in love gaga about Leo, but when he locked eyes with me it was like he was speaking directly to me and no one else for that moment and I almost peed my pants, you guys. My whole body went hot and tingly like I was having a panic attack or like my blood sugar was low, but it was just every nerve ending in my body celebrating at once and then exploding my mind.

Seriously, it was like this, you guys.

And then my body melted. I literally felt like jello the rest of the day. Maybe it was the fact that by the time I actually went to bed that night, I'd been awake for nearly 36 hours, but I'm pretty sure it's because Leo fried my innards with his movie star eyes and his awesomeness. But I stayed in character even with all the melting and exploding.

In all seriousness, it was a once-in-a-lifetime super cool day for no other reason than to watch two amazingly talented legends in the film industry do what they do best. I got to sit and watch them work. I got to observe and learn from them. And I got paid for it. Nothing like being paid to stare at Leonardo DiCaprio all day, huh? I have the coolest fucking job ever. And did I mention that this was my first time working on a feature film? That's right, my first time working on a feature and it was a Martin Scorsese picture. God. Damn.

Oh yeah and the best part? Leo had a cold or a sinus infection or something. So, that mixed with his smoker's cough spewed millions of germy germs all over the lovely enclosed space we all shared for 14-ish hours. Now I have a sore throat and the sniffles. 
I blame Leo. 

Totally. Worth. It.

Doom Cloud (Updated)

Do you have a doom cloud? You know, that sneaky demon seed in the back of your brain that starts as a small little voice telling you that the world is scary and awful and that you're stuck in a swirling drain of failure that you'll never emerge from. Then it grows and grows until it consumes your entire head and then your entire body in a torrent of dread and despair slowly weighing you down day after day until you feel like you'll suffocate under the pressure of it all. To top it all off the doom cloud rains on you a constant barrage of awful thoughts, feelings, and mental horror shows inside your brain until you feel like you want to pry open your own skull with a claw hammer just so you can dig the bad images and thoughts out of there, like cutting out a cancer.
The helpless hopeless feeling the doom cloud wraps you up in feels like cling wrap squeezing you tighter and tighter until you want to implode, then you can dissolve and melt away and flow carelessly down the swirling drain into the sterile darkness.
A Liminal Perspective illustrated it all quite well:
I want to get angry at the doom cloud. I want to cry about it. I want to want to scream and throw punches and smash breakable items with a baseball bat. But I don't. I can't. The doom cloud has sucked all my feelings away. I just feel blank. Blank and empty and irritable like I'm trying to function on not-enough-sleep. It's like a hangover without the booze. Crankiness and blinding fear swirl around in my brain, fed only by this fucking cloud and my new-found ability to not be able filter any outside audible stimuli. I can hear EVERYTHING! Finger nails scratching a scalp, 4 conversations in various areas of the office, the copier spitting out papers. I just want to sprawl out on the floor in a quiet room and just be there forever.

There are times, in my murkiest moments that I wonder if maybe being temporarily institutionalized would benefit me...Wow, it's really scary to actually see that written down. I've never said it out loud to anyone. But then I argue with myself that people who need to be institutionalized don't usually wonder if they should be institutionalized, right? Then my social anxiety kicks in and fills me with even more self-doubt when I realize that committing myself would require me actually going to a hospital and trying to convince them that I'm crazy enough to need one of their beds for several days. To explain how much that is not going to happen, I will explain this: I'm afraid of getting ill or hurt, not because I would be getting ill or hurt but because I'm afraid of all the ambulance/hospital people staring at me and judging me then rejecting me for not being hurt or ill enough to treat with top-notch care. Am I fucking neurotic or what?

The worst part is having to go to work like this. My office is the kind of corporate atmosphere where people will still come in even if they're barfing up a lung, so my calling in sick due to a bad mental health day would be scoffed at. Every time the phone rings at my desk, I have to take several deep breaths and force myself to answer it at all, yet alone be all perky and bubbly-like so that maybe the person on the other end will maybe choose to not yell at me or be unnecessarily douchey.

No. The worst part is feeling completely and utterly alone and not having anyone I can talk to who understands this feeling. I feel surrounded, yet alone. I know that I'm not alone, though, thanks to some brave peeps out there who understand and remind me that I am, in fact, NOT alone in my suffering. Thank you for your emotional bravery. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to share this too.
Thank you to:
Allie Brosh, Jenny Lawson, Chris Hardwick, thanks for keeping me laughing.
At the end of the day, sometimes the cloud dissipates and I can see and feel and think clearly again.
P.S I promise I'm going to a psychiatrist next week.
To counter-act all that sad, here's a piggie:
Thank you Cuteoverload.com for my daily squeeeeeeeeeee!
UPDATE: 2/27/12-I am going to the psychiatrist this afternoon and I am flipping out!!! But, I promise I'm going to push through it and go to my appointment.
 Update: 2/27/12- Holy shit! I got anti-anxiety drugs! Weeeeeeeeee!

Update: 2/28/12- I went to the psychiatrist last night, she was very low-key and I felt comfortable with her, unfortunately, she doesn't do talk therapy, which is something I think I could benefit from and I know I need to start long-term therapy sooner rather than later, and she agreed that I would do well to seek out a therapist. She wrote me a script and I got it filled last night. On my way to work today after reading an article about malfunctioning elevators (probably not the best idea for someone with an elevator phobia) I started freaking out inside. I tried to comfort myself by reminding myself to breathe and that I had a little tablet to take in case. This just got me more anxious. I'd never taken an anti-anxiety before and the thought of starting another drug freaked me out even more. Oh irony, you cheeky bastard. I sucked it up, popped my clonazepam and climbed in the scary elevator of doom in my building. Shaking like a leaf and trying to breathe and not pass out, I survived the elevator ride up nine floors to my office. After a small emotional breakdown, I got settled at my desk, and that bad boy pill kicked the fuck in. I have never been so high in my entire life! Well, I've never been high at all, not counting the morphine drip I had when I was in the ICU 12 years ago after spinal surgery. I freaked out my poor co-worker a bit being high and very uncoordinated (more so than usual) for about 2 hours, and then I settled down and felt really sleepy for the rest of the day.

Update: 2/29/12-I'm not supposed to take my new meds every day since there is a dependency risk, but after yesterday I almost don't want to take it again, that was crazy! Crazy, and a little awesome. Good news: my anxiety appears to be under control today. Bad news: the doom cloud is taking its sweet-ass time dissipating.

Balls.