On the 18th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu sang to me:
Ohio:
"Northcoast Christmas" by: The Modern Electric
I wasn't optimistic about this song, but I was pleasantly surprised. They combine piano, bells, and what sounds like xylophone or glockenspiel to make an enjoyable song. It's mostly about Christmastime in northern Ohio with a handful of specific references, but it's generic enough that I think anyone would find it a unique addition to their Christmas playlist.
4.5 out of 5 Drew Careys
"Toledo, My Hometown" by: Sheri LaFontaine
Now we're bringing it downtown with some smooth jazz sounding tunes. Her singing voice reminds me of young Celine Dion. If you're from Toledo, this song might be your jam, but I didn't know a single local reference she makes about Toledo, so I have no connection to this song.
2 out of 5 Corporal Klingers
Oklahoma:
"Oklahoma Christmas" by: Blake Shelton & Reba McEntire
I don't much care for Blake Shelton, but I adore Reba. I wouldn't add this song to my own Christmas playlist, but I'm not opposed to listening to it, were I to hear it again. If you like country music, and/or Blake and Reba, you'll like this song.
3 out of 5 Surrey with the Fringe on Top
Honorable Mention:
"BC Clark's Christmas Jingle"
I found an article about how Okies know it's Christmas when this jingle starts playing on TV. Apparently the jingle has been a local staple for 50+ years.
On the 17th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu sang to me:
North Carolina:
"My Christmas Caroline" by: Kellie Pickler
This is a melancholy country ballad. Even though it mentions Tennessee, it is actually about North Carolina, or at least about missing the family that lives there. It's a pleasant enough song, but it's not my favorite.
2 out of 5 Pine Trees
"Carolina Christmas" by: Squirrel Nut Zippers
This zippy little tune is jolly, fun, and feels like an old classic.
4 out of 5 Squirrels
UPDATE:
I discovered this song in my research trying to find songs for South Carolina, and I went and listened to the whole damn thing, so I had to share it.
"A Carolina Christmas Carol" by: Charlie Daniels
Strap in, ya'll! It's our old friend Charlie Daniels and his SIXTEEN MINUTE LONG SONG. Ok, so this isn't so much of a song, but a spoken word story/poem with some bluegrass set underneath. It's a rambling story about why Charlie believes in Santa Claus, it's sweet but cutesy and pretty corny. I imagine there is an audience for this. I am not that audience. But, I listened to the whole freaking thing...for science.
2 out of 5 Sandy Clawses
North Dakota:
"North Dakota Christmas" by: Rosemary Gaudreau
This is a sentimental song written in remembrance of the Rosemary's grandfather. I didn't really like it, but I'm not going to rag on it too harshly because it was written and performed by a child. If she has this much talent at age seven(?) then she could go on to make plenty of good music in the years to come.
2 out of 5 Sun Dogs
"North Dakota Christmas" by: Les Petits Anges
North Dakota loves their child singers, eh? Gag. I did not like this song. The song itself is pretty, but child choirs make the auditory part of my brain want to explode.
2 out of 5 Oil Horses
On the 16th Day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu found for me:
New Mexico:
"Christmas in New Mexico" by: Jerry Dean
I don't know how I feel about this song. Maybe my coffee hasn't kicked in yet and my brain is firing on all cylinders, but I feel relatively neutral about this song. The song is less about Christmas itself and more about food and traditions in New Mexico before Christmas. Having not spent a ton of time in NM, I don't actually know if this song is accurate for the majority of citizens, or just Jerry Dean's family and friends. This song could really just be a love letter to Mexican food.
For me, this song is now my preferred alternative to "Feliz Navidad" (I know I'm a terrible person, but I hate that song.)
3 out of 5 Empanadas
"New Mexico Christmas" by: Tom Scharf
Ok, we're going to take it down now. This jazzy little tune is less about Christmas holiday traditions like the previous song, but more about appreciating the simple things and being thankful for what you have. It's just a nice song to listen to while cuddling in front of a crackling fire, or a TV playing that 3 hour video of a crackling fire.
3 out of 5 Road Runners
New York:
"Fairytale of New York" by: The Pogues
I don't know why I like this song so much, it's beautiful, but a major downer. I don't really care for the sound of Shane MacGowan's voice at the beginning of the song; too many years of cigarettes, booze and singing punk rock make his voice not quite suited for lilting piano. Nevertheless, I really like this song.
4 out of 5 Guinness
"A New York Christmas" by Rob Thomas
I like Matchbox Twenty, but I've never been a huge fan of Rob Thomas, all of his solo songs sound exactly the same to me. That being said, this is a nice Christmas song with a sweet message of compassion. If you like that mid 90's alternative rock sound, you'll like this song.
3 out of 5 Matchboxes
"Christmas in New York" by: Shilelagh Law
Back to the Irish theme, this song is a lot happier and upbeat than the first one, but, it just feels really generic. It's a pleasant song, but not a lot else is going on. It was just "meh" for me.
2 out of 5 Rockefeller Trees
"New York is a Christmas Kind of Town" by: Marah
This song feels like it's a classic Christmas song written decades ago, but it's relatively new. It has a nice rhythm to it, and the lyrics aren't too cheesy. It truly feels like a modern classic. I can understand why all the articles I found written about it love it so much.
4 out of 5 Empire State Buildings
On the 15th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu found for me:
New Hampshire:
"Granite State Christmas" by: The Fat City Band
Finding a Christmas song about NH took an obnoxious amount of time. After all the Googling and false leads and almost settling for a not-really-about-NH song just to have something to write about, I found this. I hoped that after all the trouble I went to to find this song, I would like it. I was wrong.
I don't know if it's the obnoxious banter at the top of the song, or the doo-wop that sounds like they're trying to sound like little kids singing when they are clearly adults, or the lead singing trying to sound like a jazzy New Orleans lead singer when he's from Boston (I checked.)
Whatever the reason, I didn't like this song at all. You can "live free or die" New Hampshire, but this song just needs to die.
1 out of 5 Dartmouth
New Jersey:
"Jersey Christmas" by: Ben Rauch
Wow. This song is the Jersey-est Jersey to ever Jersey. As someone who only lived in New Jersey for a year (and that was 1 year too many) I understood the majority of the references in this song. It's obviously poking loving fun at The Garden State with the over-the-top accent and glorious white-trashiness. The music is catchy and fun even if the lyrics are a bit obnoxious. I hated this song far less than I hated living in New Jersey, but that's not saying much.
3 out of 5 Turnpikes
"The Fruitcake That Ate New Jersey" by: Lauren Mayer
Kill it. Kill it with fire. Do yourself a favor and don't listen to this song. It is so ungodly awful, I have no words. This might be the literal worst song. Ever.
0 out of 5 Fruitcakes
"No Christmas in New Jersey" by: Miscellaneous Plumbing Fixtures
I was really excited for this song just because of the band name. I didn't think I could hate a song more than the fruitcake one...at least that one was short. This song is almost 6 minutes long. SIX. MINUTES.
This song is melancholy and whiny and he sings like someone doing a bad Tom Waits impression. The song is about how no one celebrates Christmas in New Jersey anymore, but it never explains why. You'd think in that 6 long ass minutes, they'd find the time to tell you why there is no more Christmas in NJ. Or, you know what, maybe he did and I was too busy trying to fight the urge to gauge my own eardrums out so I wouldn't have to listen to this god-awful song any longer, that I stopped paying attention.
Congratulations, New Jersey, you have the most worst songs on my list. How on brand of you.
0 out of 5 Newarks
On the 14th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu found for me:
Nebraska:
"Christmas in Nebraska" by: Mulberry Lane
You remember Mulberry Lane, don't you? If this song sounds familiar, it's because I already reviewed it. Except when I reviewed it the first time, it was about Iowa. Mulberry Lane is from Omaha, NE and wrote this song in 2004. 2 years later I guess they decided they liked money and wrote TWO MORE VERSIONS about Iowa and Wisconsin. Here's the kicker: the songs are all exactly the same except for the states' names and a couple of lyrics here and there. You know, for that personal touch.
But I stand by my original review. Ironically, I find this one even more obnoxious than the Iowa version.
1 out of 5 Corn (See, you're not the only ones who can be unoriginal, Mulberry Lane!)
Nevada:
"Christmas in Nevada" by: Willard Grant Conspiracy
Wikipedia describes this band as "alt-country" and upon listening to this song, I have to agree. The music sounds not quite country, but not quite alternative rock, and with a lead singer who sings like Johnny Cash, I have to say I'm a fan. If you've spent any time driving through Nevada (lord knows I have) then you can clearly see the picture that this song paints in your mind's eye. It's not a super Christmas feeling you get from this song, but it has a nice sound and I think I like it because it's so different.
4 out of 5 New Vegas Hookers
"Christmas in Las Vegas" by: Richard Cheese
If the previous song was a snapshot of the seedy, sad life of a drifter in Nevada, this song is a jolly skewering of Las Vegas. I mean, how can you not love Richard Cheese?! I had a good chuckle at this song.
5 out of 5 Poker Chips
On the 13th day of Jessmas, my Google-fu found for me:
Missouri:
"Missouri Christmas Card" by: Deirdre Jenkins
This song is kind of about Christmas, but it's more about friendship. It's kind of about Missouri, but it's more about making home wherever you are. It's short and pretty, but the story in the song almost feels unfinished. And I have to laugh a little because the way the singer sings the word "Missouri" makes it sound like a "Misery Christmas Card." But this song is sweet and not overly sappy.
3.5 out of 5 Gateway Arches
Honorable Mention:
"Christmas in Missouri" by: Howard Iceberg & the Titanics
I wanted so badly to include this song on this list if only because of the band's name. I laughed for a solid minute at the name alone! Alas, I cannot for the life of me find anywhere online to listen to this song! I even entertained the idea of buying it on iTunes for $1 just so I could include it on my list (see how dedicated I am?)
But, guess what? It's not even available on iTunes. I've read multiple articles online about this song, but I'm starting think it doesn't actually exist, I couldn't even find anyone who posted the lyrics to it.
Montana:
"Montana Sleighride" by: Philip Aaberg
This song is lovely. There are no lyrics, it is only piano, but it will make a lovely addition to any holiday music playlist. Love it!
5 out of 5 Pianos
"One Montana" by: Tim Nordstrom
Huh, I wonder what is with Montana Christmas music only being instrumental? Either way, I liked this one too. I preferred the previous one since it was just piano and this one adds other strings, but they sounded "plunky" instead of "stringy" if that makes any sense...
Still, it's a very pretty song.
4 out of 5 Strings
Honorable Mention:
"Christmas For Cowboys" by: John Denver
This song could technically be about Colorado, Wyoming, or Montana, but since it was included on John Denver's 1991 TV special Montana Christmas Skies, I'm going to say it's about Montana. If you like John Denver, you'll like this song.
On the 12th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu sang to me:
Minnesota:
"Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis" by: Tom Waits
Oh, Tom Waits, you sure are something. I guess this isn't really a Christmas song, despite the title, and it might win my award for most depressing song on the list. The song is a letter to "Charlie" from (you guessed it) a hooker in Minneapolis. She writes how she's pregnant, and it is inferred that it's Charlie's baby. But she's engaged to a really nice man who loves her despite the fact that it isn't his baby. The hooker has given up hooking and drugs and is really happy. No, just kidding, at the end of the song she reveals that -spoilers- she's in prison and needs money for a lawyer so she can get parole.
Waits' smokey bluesy sound is something I like despite this song not really being about Christmas and being a big downer. Maybe I'm just in a weird mood today.
2.5 out of 5 Whatever this thing is
"The Sons of Knute Christmas Dance and Dinner" by: Garrison Keillor
I imagine if you are a huge fan of A Prairie Home Companion and/or Garrison Keillor, you probably think this song is hilarious. I saw the movie many years ago and enjoyed it well enough, but didn't realize until after that it was based on actual radio plays. I found this song kind of funny, but I've never spent time in Minnesota or had many friends from that area (at least none that reminded me of the stereotypes.) Also this song is less about Christmas, and more about a 4+ minute long joke about everyone having similar names and singing in exaggerated accents. It was fine, it's just not a song I want to listen to more than once.
2 out of 5 Lake Wobegones
"Christmas in Minneapolis" by: Waterbury Studios
This jaunty tune is a modern take on the classic studio albums of yore when the studios would get their most popular bands/singers together to do a big jolly holiday number. Unfortunately, I don't know who any of these singers are, plus I think they missed the mark on making a new holiday classic. The song just feels generic and it's upbeat, but not all that catchy. Meh.
1 out of 5 Princes (RIP)
Mississippi:
"Down Home Christmas" by: The Williams Brothers & The Canton Spirituals
This song isn't really my cup of tea, but I can appreciate it. It's a catchy bluesy southern song about growing up pretty poor in Mississippi. But, they sing about the importance of love and family which is nice. Not my favorite song, but I liked the message.
3 out of 5 Magnolias (Mississippi is "The Magnolia Stat, FYI)
"Mississippi Christmas Eve" by: Charlie Daniels Band
If you're like me, the only Charlie Daniels Band song you know is "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" and unfortunately, you probably know ever word to that damnable song. (See what I did there?)
Well, this song isn't much better, but it is less likely to get stuck in your head all day. It's just generic "good ol' boy" country music, and I didn't like it.
1 out of 5 Fiddle-Playing Robot Devils
