Another Collection of Open Letters

Dear Chase Bank,

Can you explain to me why your online banking never works? What's the point of being able to "manage my finances from nearly anywhere" if your apps and website don't work? You might want to work on not sucking so much. This is why I'm planning on leaving you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. Soon, Chase...soon. 

Best Wishes,
A Customer Only By Default And Because it's Too Much of a Pain in the Ass to Switch Banks At the Moment
Dear Cab Driver,
Yes, it is 1am.  Yes, we are all tired.  Yes, we can tell you have no idea where you are going.  When you make a right turn instead of a left and we tell you that you need to turn around, and then you tell us you "can't make a u-turn because there's a cop right there" our reaction is going to be one filled with exhausted raging sarcasm. In this situation, we will inform you that it doesn't matter that a cop is there, it doesn't change the fact that we are now travelling south when we need to go north to get home. Sorry, we misplaced our magic wands that could magically teleport our apartment to a new location that's more convenient for you. But what do you care? You're not listening to us and your wrong turns made the cab ride cost an additional $4.  Lucky you.
Cordially,
Disgruntled Jess

Dear Woman Sitting Next to Me at Heartland Brewery,
Hi. Yes, I realize the seating arrangement of the restaurant has placed us within earshot of one another, but why do you think that means you can turn and interject your opinions into a complete stranger's conversation? Hmmm? Riddle me that, bitch. And, if I say I find the "relationship" between the main characters of Fifty Shades of Grey to be creepy and uncomfortable for me and I don't understand why anyone finds it erotic, then who the fuck are you to butt in and contradict me?! You don't know me or anything about my life. Mind your own fucking business or you and my steak knife are about to get real acquainted real quick.
With Appreciation,
Angry Stabby Jess

Dear Payroll Department,
Hi. Remember me? I've only worked here for 2 years and my desk is only right next to you guys. I'm the one who comes and bothers you twice a month because my paycheck is screwed up and/or missing altogether.  I know you guys have gone through 3 different directors in the past few months, and I'm sure it's difficult when the corporate payday falls on the same day as the temp department payday, but seriously? I make a piss-poor salary as it is and having to wait an extra day to get paid because someone screwed up can mean the difference between eating and not eating for a whole day. I don't exactly choose to live hand-to-mouth, but you're not making it any easier. And no, it doesn't help if you "cut me a live check today" because even if I go deposit it in the bank right this second it won't clear until tomorrow anyway! Get your shit together.
Respectfully,
Po' ass Jess

Dear Co-Workers,
Seriously, if I hear the name Christian Grey one more time, I will throw up on each and every one of you. 
Sincerely,
Someone who prefers intellectual stimulation from her books

Dear Century 21,
The 1980's called to apologize for vomiting prom dresses in your store, but they are quite surprised you even noticed. Oh wait. You didn't. But, then again, neither did the incredibly hairy man trying on one of said prom dresses in the middle of the store.
Smiles,
Fashion Cadet Jess

Dear Spell Check,
Teleport IS a word and it IS spelled correctly! Please top asking me to change it to "telephoto" or "teapot." You are dumb.
Many Thanks,
Grammar Gurl Jess

Adventures in Show Business

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As a (trying-to-be-working) actor, and as most actors, I subscribe to several websites/online networks that list casting notices. These notices include big-time union films or TV shows, local theatre, indie films, and (mostly) student films. 

Oh, student films...you are a double-edge sword. If it's a well-done film, awesome! You now have a small piece to put on your reel, but no paycheck. If it's a not-so-well-done film, (*cue Price Is Right fail music*) then too-bad-so-sad, you just wasted your time and talent on a sorry waste of space that you pray will never see the light of day.

This all being said, I just HAD to share this latest character description I just received in my inbox.  Keep in mind, this is what is supposed to entice me to submit my head shot and resume to be considered to audition, also I have not changed the wording, grammar, or the format.

 Character: The Prostitute- You will act the prostitute. PLEASE NOTE THAT in the story you give the customer a fellatio. but you do NOT actually give him anything. he does NOT even take off his pants. if you have clothes like the one in the movie taxi driver, it will be great.

Did you see it? Did you see the train wreck of words happen right before your very eyes? Let's break it down now.

Thank you, director. Thank you for telling me that i will be acting, just in case I was unsure what i was signing up for when subscribing to a "casting notice" and paying a monthly sum to do so. But let's get to the real heavy-duty tragedy of this here description. Now, I don't consider myself an expert in sexual acts, but how does one person give someone else "A fellatio" exactly??? Technically speaking, the word fellatio is a noun-according to Webster-but how awkward is that phrase?! Did you ever take an English class young man? (Please, you know a dude wrote this...that and his first name is on the casting notice.) I think the slightly more grammatically correct and less awkward way to phrase that is, "...the character will perform fellatio on a male customer." But maybe that's just me being nit-picky.

What is my favorite part about this student film character description, you ask? It's a toss-up, but I'm definitely leaning towards the part at the end that tells me to dress in "clothes like the one from taxi driver." The grammar nerd inside of me is screaming violently about proper nouns, and qualifiers and quantifiers, but I won't go there right now, lest grammar nerd takes over and this becomes the longest blog post ever about something so, so stupid. Instead, my question is, which clothes are you speaking of, dear, dear director? There are lots of clothes in Taxi Driver.

There's this lovely ensemble.
Columbia Pictures

But you were probably thinking of this one, all covered in blood, right?

Oh, wait! That's right, this role is for a female prostitute. The director was probably referring to one of the outfits worn by the 13-year-old prostitute in the film, portrayed by the lovely and talented Jodie Foster. But based on the director's description, how would one know that unless they were familiar with the film? Any actor worth their salt is familiar with Taxi Driver, but any actor worth their salt is probably not going to give this student film description a second glance, yet alone submit for casting.

This 13-year-old is more talented than I might ever be.

What is my other favorite part about this casting notice? The fact that the director/student has clearly specified that the actress he casts will not actually be doing any sexual acts. PHEW! I was so worried there for a minute. I was concerned that were I to get cast by this kid who is not paying me, in his film that is going to be used solely for educational/school purposes, I would actually be required to give some stranger a BJ for the sake of this kid's grade. Wow.  Thank you for clearing that up.  Dodged that bullet, didn't I?!

It kind of makes me question what people learn in film school.  I mean, do they explain to young wanna-be directors that what you see on the TV/film screen isn't actually happening? If you read any interview with an actor who has filmed a "love" scene, they will mostly all say what an uncomfortable and not-sexy experience it is.

Lesson 1: This girl is not actually a prostitute, kids.

And this man is not actually a taxi driver.

What I guess I'm trying to say is, use grammar and spell check, kids! Also, read your sentence out loud to someone else before you publish it. If you don't put out quality, you probably won't get back quality. Short-story-long: I did not submit for this casting call, mostly because of the grammar and sentence structure, but also because I've already portrayed enough prostitutes and I'm looking to expand my character choices, but that's another story for another blog...

Insert picture of me looking like a prostitute here.

(Sorry, I couldn't actually find one.)

More Tragedy...

RROD Gallery

I've spoken at length about our troubles with our PS3 and the yellow light of death. After the most recent breakdown, Boyfriend and I decided it was time to start saving up to buy a new one, especially since it doesn't look like the newest Sony console will be out anytime soon. Plus, we reasoned, at least we still have an XBox360. 

Correction: we have a console formally-known-as-a-functioning-XBox360. Console tragedy has struck yet again! The XBox360 displayed the "Red Ring of Death" the other day. Unfortunately, even the famous towel trick could not fix the XBox for more than 5 minutes. Alas. 
On the bright side, we didn't actually pay for the giant paperweight XBox we currently own, it was given to us by a friend, so no money lost there.  But, now we have to save up to buy two new consoles. At least the PS3 still works for the moment.
Ah, crap now I've jinxed it...


Anyone want to donate to the "Buy Gurl on Girl-Gaming new gaming consoles so she can continue to write awesome blogs about them" fund? Only $600. 
Anyone...? 

Kickstarter says no.

The Sometimes-Not-So-Glamorous Process of Film-Making: or Time to Hyperventilate? (UPDATED: Now With Edits)

UPDATE: Ok, I read up a little more and this post is now just another example of my anxiety-ridden crazy brain going into panic mode.  What do I usually do when that happens? I either hyperventilate and curl up into the fetal position and cry, or I write it all down and I just sound like a crazy person. You're welcome. I'm going to go take my meds now. Also, www.playbillsvspayingbills.com is the best website ever for actors.
 
Over the weekend, you may or may not have seen my tweets from the set of White Liars. Saturday was a shooting day of epic-ness. It was the longest day of filming I've ever done outside, but we couldn't have asked for better weather. The skies were ominous early in the morn with some left-over rain clouds from the night before, but by the time I was called to the set at 10AM, the skies were clear and blue and the sun was shining for the rest of the day.  Beautiful.

Film-making is filled with a lot of "hurry up and wait" moments.  Hurry up and get to the set at your call time, then wait until they're ready to shoot your scene. Hurry up and get into position, then wait for all of the elements to fall into place: wait for sound, wait for the camera to record, wait for the director, hold for sound - there's a motorcycle, hold for sound - there's an airplane, stop, cut - some dumbass pedestrians walked into the shot. Reset - get pack into position, try again. It was about 14 hours of that.

Not that I'm complaining, but after Saturday, I completely understand why professional productions with a larger budget than ours have so many people on a crew. Our writer/director/editor/sound op/production coordinator/P.A/actor(s) are all the same people; in an independent production funded by donations and shoe strings we all have to wear many hats. Either because of, or in spite of all of this, I love TV/film production. I love the energy of the set, I love being able to laugh about the ridiculousness that comes from filming on the streets of NYC (I now understand why Hollywood uses back lots all the time.) I just get a rush from being a part of a large creative endeavor, even if my creativity has to be in stop-and-go mode all day. There's something just bohemian and fun about suddenly losing your sound guy because he has to fly to Houston for a last-minute paying job in 3 hours and then everyone turns to you and says, "Congrats, you're the new boom operator/sound engineer for the rest of this shoot. Here's your headphones." And I was a damn fine sound op, if I do say so myself.  I may have found a new calling talent.

What are these jokers doing in our shot? Don't they know we're filming a low-budget web series here?!

 On another note, I want to thank everyone who donated to the White Liars Kickstarter campaign! The production is now funded and is also SAG-AFTRA approved, which means that those in the cast who are already members of the union will get paid and not be in danger of losing their membership for appearing in a non-union production. Plus, that also means that those of us who are currently non-union can very very soon be eligible to join SAG-AFTRA also. I am freaking out about this a little bit. I got the e-mail this morning about needing to send our producer my "particulars" so he can submit the Taft Hartley papers. I'm excited and scared and hopeful all in one! It's really scary when a piece of your dream starts to fall into place, but it also means you'll make a major life choice. 

I am under no obligation to become SAG-AFTRA eligible at this time, but how can I turn it down? Once you are eligible, you have a 30-day period to accept as many union jobs as you can, and then you either must join the union officially if I want to work another union job or not.  If you choose not to join, you will have to start over again working towards union-eligibility (in my case, years.)  
Apparently I know not what I say because the SAG website info is crap. Now I know better.
If you choose to join, you will have to pay the union dues and any additional fees (upwards of $2300) which at this juncture is a fee I cannot afford to pay in a lump sum. 

Maybe my landlord just won't notice that I don't pay rent for 3 months due to union dues...

SAG-AFTRA has a credit union where you can get a loan and pay your dues in increments which is awesome, but I have shit credit thanks thanks to medical bills and credit card charges I racked up just trying to eat and pay rent during the 8 months I was unemployed in the year everything went to hell-or 2008, as it is known to some people.  
So right now, I'm feeling a little bit like the universe is taunting me, or has issued me a passive-aggressive ultimatum on pursuing my dream. I know it really is never too late to go for your dream, look at the wonderful Kathryn Joosten, who lost her battle with lung cancer recently.  She had a full and active acting career which didn't start until she was 42 (something almost unheard of in the youth-obsessed culture of Hollywood) but she was recognizable both in face and voice usually as, "Oh hey, it's that lady." Plus she won 2 Emmys! Or look at Jane Lynch.  She's been a working actor for years, but was not very well-known until The 40-Year-Old Virgin, when she was in her 40's. So, it's never too late. But I still feel like if I were to pass on this opportunity to join the union now, I would regret it. I'm also not assuming that I'm going to be famous just by joining the union.  In fact I would rather not be a celebrity.  I just want to work at something I love and get paid enough to pay my bills. That is the "American Dream" isn't it?

What's NOT standing in my way? 
-Emotional support from those who love/care about me
-My drive/yearning for this to happen
-My talent
-My love of the industry

What IS standing in my way?
-Fear
-Money (or lack thereof)
-More fear  
-Insecurity


Welcome to my existential inner conflict that plagues my mind.
I guess I just gotta pull on my big-girl panties and power through.





You see what I did there, right? Yeah.

Emerald City Con 2012

I was bummed that I couldn't actually go to this, con especially after this video surfaced. So, this isn't really a post, I was quite busy over the weekend with an epic filming of the final episode of White Liars, so I'm phoning this one in. For your viewing pleasure, feast your eyes and ears on this: It's a long one, so strap in!



P.S My inner child geeked out through this entire video.

Life on MooMoo Farm: Adventures in Harvest Moon-ing (Part 2 a review)

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I talked a little bit the other day about my enjoyment in the Harvest Moon franchise games. I promised I would actually get around to reviewing the game and here I am keeping that promise! You're welcome.


Harvest Moon The Tale of Two Towns follows the basic formula set up in the other games in the franchise: you have a farm, you have a horse, you have an overall goal that usually involves caring for livestock and crops. The plot for The Tale of Two Towns is fairly straightforward: many many years ago, there were two towns-Bluebell and Konohana-located on either side of a large mountain, but they were connected by a tunnel/mine that ran through the mountain. One day members from each town got into an argument in the tunnel over which town could cook the best.  The argument got so loud and out-of-hand that the Harvest Goddess who lived on the mountain overheard it and became enraged at the bickering. In a fit of rage, the Harvest Goddess caved in the tunnel, separating the two towns. Decades passed, and the two towns grew resentful of each other mainly out of tradition. This is where the player's story begins.

You as the player must choose which town you want to start a life in.  In European-styled Bluebell, they believe that true farming focuses on livestock over growing crops, so your barns and animal pastures are larger than your acreage of fertile land. In the Eastern-styled Konohana, they believe that true farming should focus on growing crops over livestock, so there is a ton of fertile land available and minimal space for livestock. Your overall goal in the game at the behest of the Harvest Goddess is to befriend the townsfolk in both towns and work to repair the relationship between the two towns' mayors so that they will all be neighborly again, you know, just clean up her mess for her. On top of the overall story goal, you have the ability to court and marry and have a child just like in the other HM games.

Tee hee...I caved in the mountain and made everyone hate each other.  My bad.  Be a dear and fix everything for me, kthanxbai!
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Something I was amused by in this game is the way you repair the mayors' relationship is by participating in the weekly cooking contests in which the two towns compete. (For two towns who hate each other, they certainly agree to spend plenty of time together.) The best/fastest way to repair the friendship is to cook extraordinary dishes and win the cooking competition for your town each week. This is easier said than done. You get help cooking and finding ingredients during your first season (seasons, btw are 31 days instead of 10 like in past HM games, making the game seem easier sometimes, yet sooo much longer.) After the first season is over, though, you're on your own for cooking competitions. And don't try cheating and buying a dish made by your neighbor, because you can't enter that in the contest. My favorite part about the cooking contest is that it's judged by Pierre, the Japanese Demon Willy Wonka.

This guy. This guy judges your nightmares cooking.
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As far as HM games go in the franchise, The Tale of Two Towns is exactly what I want it to be: a little silly, fun, relaxing, and addicting. The game itself is great for anyone who enjoys the franchise. The addition of alpacas to the types of livestock, and the fact that you can have multiple pets who actually contribute to life on the farm instead of just looking cute and eating your food are welcomed in-game features. However, there are some issues and differences between the 2 versions available that are important to cover. There are 2 versions of the game available: DS and 3D. The DS version will play on the 3DS, but will not be playable with the 3D graphics. The 3D game is obviously playable in 3D, but also includes some added features such as StreetPass.  Not a big difference right? Wrong.

The 3D element of the game adds a little to the gameplay, especially during the cut scenes. You notice the trees swaying, the flowers and faces pop off the screen nicely, and I think it really adds a nice quality to the game. However, if you choose to not pay the extra $20-ish for the 3D version, don't worry, you are not losing too much as far as gameplay goes, in fact I actually recommend NOT buying the 3D version.

In case you were thinking about it and hadn't heard, the 3D version of HM is extremely glitchy. Apparently, Natsume has acknowledged the flaws and offered limited solutions or patches to fix it. There have been issues reported that the game will glitch out and close completely (as mine has done on many occasions)when the player is trying to travel/advance between scenes or areas of the map.  Since anyone who has played HM in the past knows that the only time you can save the game is when you go to bed, this is a major problem. The only "solution" to this issue has been to completely shut down the software and the unit after each time you save. Lame. Thankfully, this seems to be helping so far, it's just a bit of a hassle to save my game, then close the software and shutdown the 3DS for a minute, then turn it back on and reload the game.  I'm willing to put up with it mostly because I'm enjoying the game so much, but also I'm almost at the end of my first in game "year" after having played it for over a month IRL. I think Boyfriend was more upset to learn about this glitch than I was, seeing as how he "spent extra money to buy [me] a game that doesn't work!" (A direct quote.)  

So, my overall take on the game? I don't mind the glitch so much, as long as all it does is freeze.  I can tolerate it.  I have heard rumors of players' entire game data being wiped out by the glitch, so hopefully that will never happen, otherwise this gurl may Hulk out a bit and frighten her friendly neighborhood GameStop employees. So, depending on how much you enjoy HM games is probably how much you'll be able to tolerate the glitch. I do enjoy the 3D graphics, while I don't think the game loses anything without them, they are a nice addition.  For anyone who is on the fence about the game, I suggest buying/renting the DS version.  For those who are as gung-ho about HM as I am, you probably already own the game and know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

On my patented scale of 5 nerdy things:

Gameplay: I give Harvest Moon The Tale of Two Towns 5 out of 5


Howard thinks this game is FABULOOOOOOUS!
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Mechanically I have to give the game a 2.5 out of 5 because of the freezing/glitch

This man is a Panda and he is not amused by you or your faulty mechanics.
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Fun Fact: I always name my farms "MooMoo Farm" in every HM game I play. Why?
Why not?

Life on MooMoo Farm: Adventures in Harvest Moon-ing (Part 1)



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When I was a freshman in college, I lived in a co-ed dorm with my roommate Jessica.  Jessica and I lived across the hall from Brian and Bryan (very creative on the part of the housing department.) I got along quite well with the Bri/yans, mostly because they were fun, but also because they played video games. Bryan's favorite game on the N64 was Harvest Moon.  He would sit and play it for hours, and if we were hanging out doing other activities, he would often excuse himself to go water his crops or milk his cows.  Watching him play, Brian and I made fun of him and his endless pursuit of farm nirvana...or whatever it was he was trying to achieve in game. We both chalked it up to him growing up in rural BFN western Colorado or something, and continued to tease him and ask about his cows in unrelated conversations for the rest of the year.


Cut to a year later: Brian and I are roommates living in what I later dubbed "the house from hell," (not because of Brian) but that's another story for another time. Brian bought a Nintendo GameCube and we would often try to beat each other home from class to stake a claim in front of the TV to get a head start gaming.  Our major competition was with Prince of Persia Sands of Time. We would sneak home between classes to try to get to the next puzzle to beat the game before the other person.  It was ridiculous.  Brian ended up finishing the game first because his schedule allowed for major blocks of free time (psh...music majors) while I was a slave to the theatre department (don't let anyone ever tell you that being a theatre/performance major is easy. They're lying to you. Free time does not exist.) After the Prince of Persia competition had ended, Brian decided the next unofficial competition would be Harvest Moon A Wonderful Life. I rolled my eyes and laughed at him at first, but then when I sat down and watched him play, it looked kind of fun. 

On a rare day that I was home when Brian was not, I sat down to start my own Harvest Moon game and thus began my love affair with the franchise. Unfortunately, through a series of life events and circumstances, I have never actually gotten to finish Harvest Moon A Wonderful Life. Brian and I moved to separate apartments after that year, Brian later sold me his GameCube but had wiped the Harvest Moon game saves, then I sold my GameCube and all my games for extra cash to move out east after graduation. I have the PS2 version of Harvest Moon A Wonderful life, and last year I got further than I ever had in game, but our PS3 is currently on its last legs, so it looks like I may never get to finish this damn game.

The game mocks me.
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This all leads into my birthday this year.  Boyfriend got me the newest game in the Harvest Moon franchise: The Tale of Two Towns. There are things I love about it, and things that are pretty good, and things that are just ridiculous, like all Harvest Moon games. The newest in the franchise keeps the basic formula the same but adds in some extra plot and challenge elements.  And you know what else? My train of thought just derailed violently and I realized how long this post is thanks to my brief trip down memory lane up there, but there is still so much to discuss about this game.  Hmmm, well, to summarize this post: I love the Harvest Moon franchise thanks to Brian and Bryan, and I now have the newest game and I am really enjoying it, but a more detailed review will follow, I promise!


P.S I just realized how many times I mentioned Harvest Moon in this post. Whoa. It's like counting the number of times characters "whisper" in an E.L. James book.
(Take THAT fanfic and your 10 million copies sold! Yeah. I showed you.)