25 Days of Jessmas Day 25: Wisconsin & Wyoming

On the 25th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu found for me:


Wisconsin:

"Wisconsin Christmas" by The MadHatters

I've never been to Wisconsin, but I found this song very enjoyable.  This delightful a Capella group reminds me a lot of Straight No Chaser, and they lovingly poke fun of their home state with this upbeat ditty.  

4.5 out of 5 Lavern & Shirleys

"Christmas in Wisconsin" by: Mulberry Lane

Oh goody, these chicks again...  I will say that the word "Wisconsin" fits best in the lyrics to this song vs Iowa or Nebraska.  But this song is still the worst.  "Come on and stop in / drop in / hear me talkin' / baby, come with me / to Wisconsin."  Gag!

.5 out of 5 Cheese Heads

Wyoming:

"Wyoming Christmastime" by: The Saggy Bottom Boys

No, it's not the band from O, Brother, Where Art Thou? I was disappointed too.  However, it is a nice little bluegrass ditty. If you liked the soundtrack from the aforementioned movie, you'll like this song. 

3.5 out of 5 Wyoming Cowboys

"Free Frosty (From Wyoming)" by Jeff Cuneo and Ken & Amie Vandevrie

Um...what? First off, the lyrics don't make a whole lot of sense; Frosty will melt unless we free Frosty from Wyoming. Why?! Have you been to Wyoming in the winter? It's cold AF!!! So, this song starts off feeling like just a goofy song, then they break it down and it becomes a remix of itself. Again...what?!
So, in a nutshell: What?! and WHY?!

1 out of 5 Frostys

"Wyoming Winter Wonderland" by: Dan Schafer


I don't care for this singer's voice all that much, but the bluegrass sound and the lyrics aren't so bad. It's just a catchy, amiable little tune about Wyoming in winter.

3 out of 5 Grand Tetons

"Wyoming Christmas" by: John A. McCallum

This song is fine. It's very generic and isn't all that interesting, but it's pleasant enough to listen to. Meh.


2 out of 5 Yellowstone Parks

"Christmas in Wyoming" by: Allen Campbell


This guy has a really smooth and pretty voice, but the song is very melancholy and I don't like it. I don't know why, there's just something about it that bothers me and I don't care for it.


1.5 out of 5 Wild Horses

25 Days of Jessmas Day 24: Washington & West Virginia

On the 24th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu sang to me:


Washington:

"Christmas in the Northwest" by: Brenda Kutz White

Oh boy, what an 80's-tacular-Christmas-Special song!  It's about 3 minutes too long and it falls into that category of songs that sounds like it belongs in a tourism video.

2 out of 5 Mt. Rainiers

"Christmas in Seattle (Is the Christmas for Me)" by: Jennifer Oliver

We live in a glorious age of technology where anyone can record anything.  Unfortunately, that means anyone can record anything.  Kudos to this lady for writing and recording this song, but I do not care for it.

1.5 out 5 Coffees

West Virginia:

"Christmastime in West Virginia" by: The Weber Brothers

Ok, seriously, what is it with all the songs today sounding like they are straight out of a tourism video?!  At least the melody is nice and relaxing, but this might be the first Christmas song I've heard where they use a mouth harp and it makes me laugh.  So, points for that, I guess.  But they lost me when the awful chorus of children sings at the end.

2 out of 5 Welcome signs  

"West Virginia Christmas" by: Theresa Winstead

I found it!  I found a song I enjoyed today!  Theresa has a modest but pretty voice and the simple sound of the ukulele is very pleasing.  This is a sweet song about being homesick for West Virginia at Christmastime.  I like it.  I've never been to WV, but I like this song.

4 out of 5 Sugar Maple trees

25 Days of Jessmas Day 23: Vermont & Virginia

On the 23rd day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu found for me:


Vermont:

"Christmas in Vermont" by: Warm Wires

I hate this.  I hate everything about this song.  Douchey whiny white boys hating on Christmas for no real reason.  I hated this song so much, it makes me angry.  More angry than 12 Days of Christmas.  Yes, it's that bad.

0 out of 5 Bernie Sanders

"Christmas in Vermont" by: Dave Hall

This song is a snooze-fest.  I hated this song less than the previous one, but it is still not for me.  The piano and guitar combination are nice enough, but the lyrics and vocals are saccharine and cheesy. Bleh.

1 out of 5 Vermont Teddy Bears

Virginia:

"Christmas in Richmond Tonight" by: Tom White

Other than the vocals sounding like they were recorded in a bathroom, this sound isn't the worst.  But it certainly isn't what I would call "good" either.  Also, who is the snow queen?  Is this a Virginia thing?  I mean, I know it's a Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale, but why is the Snow Queen mentioned with Santa? Elsa is not a Christmas icon, Tom!  Wait a tic...the name of the man who wrote this song is Tom WHITE.  The Snow Queen wears white.  IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!  
Or maybe I should't drink so much while I listen to bad Christmas songs...

1 out of 5 Elsa's

"Christmas in Virginia" by Clinton Gregory

I never thought I'd say, "boy I miss country Christmas songs."  Well, color me surprised, because this is the least awful song I listened to today.  Sure, it's super 80's country and sappy, but it is a welcome respite from absolute garbage that the rest of the songs brought today.

2 out of 5 Glorious 80's Mustaches

25 Days of Jessmas Day 22: Texas & Utah

On the 22nd day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu found for me:


Texas:

"When It's Christmastime in Texas" by: George Strait

Sweet Baby Jesus in the manger, this might be the worst music video I've ever seen.  I know this review should be about the music/song itself, but I cannot get over the visual mess that is this video.  I can't tell what is the worst thing about the video; the awkward way he manhandles and "flirts" with every woman,  the way he meanders aimlessly through the crowd, or the fact that he is barely even TRYING to lip sing.  I mean, is he drunk?  I realize the syncing itself is terrible because the 80's, but come one George!  Did you forget the words to your own lame Christmas song?!  

1 out of 5 White Cowboy Hats

"Merry Texas Christmas, You All" by: Gene Autry

Well, the title to the song pretty much sums it up.  Gene Autry is about as classic country as classic country music gets.  The song just makes me picture 3 or 4 cowboys sitting around a campfire singing Christmas songs.  Even the verse "If wishes only could come true / we'd wish that we could send to you / a gushing oil well or two"  is strange but charming in a really weird way.  Oh Texas...


2.5 out of 5 Three Amigos by the campfire

"When Santa Rides Through Texas" by: Casey Donahew & Cody Johnson

Now we've come to more modern rock-country.  This song is very upbeat and catchy and ridiculous, and I don't hate it.  They even make a George Strait reference that made me chuckle  Not a song I would listen to all the time, but a fun country Christmas song.

3 out of 5 "Don't Mess With Texas" T-shirts

Utah:

I got all the way to Utah without having to resort to parody or some other rehashing of a classic Christmas tune.  But here we are...You failed me, Utah.  You failed me.

"12 Days of Utah Christmas" by: Robert Lund

If there is a song in all of Christmasdom that I hate more than most, it's The Twelve Days of Christmas.  (I will tolerate Straight No Chaser's version of it only because they essentially make fun of how ridiculous a song it is.  Say what you will about YouTube viral videos, but when a grainy video of a no-name a Capella group from Indiana University has over 21 MILLION views, that must be something special.)  
So now we've come to this.  This heaping pile of garbage of a song.  I got 30 seconds in and had to turn it off.  I hate this song so so much and I find 99% of the parodies of this song EVEN WORSE than the original.  This song blows.  This song is an excellent analogy of 2017:  when it started, you knew it was not going to be good, but you were hopeful that you could get through it without too much of a headache, but by the end you just want to scream and cry and burn society down and start over from scratch.  


0 out of 5 Dumpster Fires

Honorable Mention:

"Christmas in Utah" by: Corinne Curtis Broadbent

I can't fully review this song because I cannot find a full version of it to listen to online, only the small preview snippet on iTunes.  So, sorry Utah, you don't get a real Christmas song review by me because Corinne here can't figure out YouTube.

25 Days of Jessmas Day 21: South Dakota & Tennessee

On the 21st day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu found for me:


South Dakota:

"Merry Christmas, South Dakota" by: The Rockford Mules

At first this song seems like a rock ballad about a lost love, but upon closer listening (and context clues from the music video) it seems to be more about missing loved ones who are no longer with us.  I like the tune and the strong rock vocals.  It's a bit of a sad song, but I liked it.

4 out of 5 Mules

"South Dakota Christmas" by: Hailey Steele

Yet another I-miss-you-baby-at-Christmastime song.  It's not quite indie folk, not quite country, not quite pop; I don't know how to classify it.  I like Hailey's smokey vocals, and dammit this song is catchy.  I'm probably going to have the chorus stuck in my head all day.  However, it is so sappy and even the opening bars of the song feel cliche.  Not a huge fan.

2 out of 5 John Deere tractors 

(Sorry,  South Dakota)




Tennessee:

"Tennessee Christmas" by: Alabama

This song was originally written by Amy Grant and Gary Chapman, but this particular version holds a special place in my heart. I am biased as hell about this song, because my mom would play this album every year at Christmas when I was growing up, so this song hits all the nostalgia buttons for me. Yes, it's sappy and country AF, but I like it.

4 out of 5 Grand Ole Oprys

"Christmas Time in Tennessee" by: Chris Chappell

I am suddenly transported back to the early 2000's when male musicians were trying to reinvent that 90's grunge rock sound and sucking at it.  No wonder your girlfriend left you.  The best part about this song is how short it is.  Bleh.

1 out of 5 Nirvana knock-off bands

"Christmas in Tennessee" by: Sherry Gibson Breckenridge

There comes a point where all country music starts to sound the same to me.  This song has crossed that point for me.  This song is over-the-top with sap and the Tennessee accent.  I cannot take you seriously when you sing "Aaaay-n-jee-aail" when singing the word "angel." Sorry people with southern accents.  I don't mind a little twang, but this song is too much.

1 out of 5 Literally the first image to come up in a Google search of the term "country music"

"Christmas in Tennessee" by: Louie Setzer

This song is the bluegrassiest bluegrass to ever bluegrass. It's amazing. At first, I hated it, but once I started picturing a little old hillbilly moonshiner sitting on his porch singing this, I started to enjoy it. Plus, it's short. It's not something I would listen to all the time, but it has a funny charm to it.


2.5 out of 5 Popcorn Suttons

"Jesus turned the water into wine, I turned it into likker."
-Popcorn Sutton

(Yes he was from NC, but I can't help but picture him singing this song.)

25 Days of Jessmas Day 20: Rhode Island & South Carolina

On the 20th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu found for me:


Rhode Island:

"Christmas in Newport" by: Dick Lupino

This jazzy song is so cheesy I kept expecting it to suddenly turn into a parody of itself.  The melody is very nice, but the lyrics are cloying at best, and I don't enjoy the amount of vibrato he sings with-it's unnecessary.

2 out of 5 Drunken Clams (Sorry, RI, Family Guy has ruined you.)

South Carolina:

"Christmas in South Carolina" by Dr. BLT

Based on his name, I half expected a rap song.  After listening to this, I wish it were a rap song.  It's just simple guitar and too many jingle bells (you, know, because Christmas.)  It's a miserable love-sick song with sub-par vocals.  I am not a fan.

1 out of 5 Jingle Bells

"Christmas in Carolina" by: The Marshall Tucker Band

Once again, names can be deceiving. Based on the name, I expected bluegrass or straight up country; instead I got a big band, bluesy, R&B sound.  The lyrics are appropriate levels of Christmas cheesiness.  While this style of music isn't my favorite, I can certainly appreciate this song for it's good musical qualities.  It makes a nice addition to any Christmas party playlist.

3 out of 5 Plantations

25 Days of Jessmas Day 19: Oregon & Pennsylvania

On the 19th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu found for me:


Oregon:

"Merry Christmas From Oregon" by: Christina Eastman

This song is 80's-tacular!  You got your drum machine, your smokey female vocals, and a fantastic album cover.  The lyrics aren't anything special, it's basically "Merry Christmas From Oregon" over and over.  It's an ok song.  I imagine if you live in Oregon and you hear this on the radio, it's nice driving-around-town music.

2 out of 5 Merry Christmas From Oregon Album Covers

Pennsylvania:

"Home For the Holidays" by: Al Stillman & Robert Allen, Sung by Perry Como

This song isn't quite about Pennsylvania, but it mentions PA more than anywhere else.  I don't know what else to say about this song, because it's one everyone knows.  It's not my absolute favorite, but it is a true American Christmas classic.    

3.5 out of 5 Pumpkin Pies

25 Days of Jessmas Day 18: Ohio & Oklahoma

On the 18th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu sang to me:


Ohio:

"Northcoast Christmas" by: The Modern Electric

I wasn't optimistic about this song, but I was pleasantly surprised. They combine piano, bells, and what sounds like xylophone or glockenspiel to make an enjoyable song.  It's mostly about Christmastime in northern Ohio with a handful of specific references, but it's generic enough that I think anyone would find it a unique addition to their Christmas playlist.

4.5 out of 5 Drew Careys

"Toledo, My Hometown" by: Sheri LaFontaine

Now we're bringing it downtown with some smooth jazz sounding tunes.  Her singing voice reminds me of young Celine Dion.  If you're from Toledo, this song might be your jam, but I didn't know a single local reference she makes about Toledo, so I have no connection to this song.

2 out of 5 Corporal Klingers

Oklahoma:


"Oklahoma Christmas" by: Blake Shelton & Reba McEntire

I don't much care for Blake Shelton, but I adore Reba.  I wouldn't add this song to my own Christmas playlist, but I'm not opposed to listening to it, were I to hear it again.  If you like country music, and/or Blake and Reba, you'll like this song.

3 out of 5 Surrey with the Fringe on Top

Honorable Mention: 

"BC Clark's Christmas Jingle"

I found an article about how Okies know it's Christmas when this jingle starts playing on TV.  Apparently the jingle has been a local staple for 50+ years.

25 Days of Jessmas Day 17: North Carolina & North Dakota (UPDATED)

On the 17th day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu sang to me:


North Carolina:

"My Christmas Caroline" by: Kellie Pickler

This is a melancholy country ballad.  Even though it mentions Tennessee, it is actually about North Carolina, or at least about missing the family that lives there.  It's a pleasant enough song, but it's not my favorite.

2 out of 5 Pine Trees

"Carolina Christmas" by: Squirrel Nut Zippers

This zippy little tune is jolly, fun, and feels like an old classic. 

4 out of 5 Squirrels

UPDATE:
I discovered this song in my research trying to find songs for South Carolina, and I went and listened to the whole damn thing, so I had to share it.

"A Carolina Christmas Carol" by: Charlie Daniels


Strap in, ya'll!  It's our old friend Charlie Daniels and his SIXTEEN MINUTE LONG SONG.  Ok, so this isn't so much of a song, but a spoken word story/poem with some bluegrass set underneath. It's a rambling story about why Charlie believes in Santa Claus, it's sweet but cutesy and pretty corny.  I imagine there is an audience for this.  I am not that audience.  But, I listened to the whole freaking thing...for science.  

2 out of 5 Sandy Clawses

North Dakota:


"North Dakota Christmas" by: Rosemary Gaudreau

This is a sentimental song written in remembrance of the Rosemary's grandfather.  I didn't really like it, but I'm not going to rag on it too harshly because it was written and performed by a child.  If she has this much talent at age seven(?) then she could go on to make plenty of good music in the years to come.

2 out of 5 Sun Dogs

"North Dakota Christmas" by: Les Petits Anges

North Dakota loves their child singers, eh?  Gag.  I did not like this song.  The song itself is pretty, but child choirs make the auditory part of my brain want to explode. 

2 out of 5  Oil Horses

25 Days of Jessmas Day 16: New Mexico & New York

On the 16th Day of Jessmas, my Google-Fu found for me:


New Mexico:

"Christmas in New Mexico" by: Jerry Dean

I don't know how I feel about this song.  Maybe my coffee hasn't kicked in yet and my brain is firing on all cylinders, but I feel relatively neutral about this song.  The song is less about Christmas itself and more about food and traditions in New Mexico before Christmas.  Having not spent a ton of time in NM, I don't actually know if this song is accurate for the majority of citizens, or just Jerry Dean's family and friends.  This song could really just be a love letter to Mexican food.
For me, this song is now my preferred alternative to "Feliz Navidad" (I know I'm a terrible person, but I hate that song.)

3 out of 5 Empanadas

"New Mexico Christmas" by: Tom Scharf

Ok, we're going to take it down now.  This jazzy little tune is less about Christmas holiday traditions like the previous song, but more about appreciating the simple things and being thankful for what you have.  It's just a nice song to listen to while cuddling in front of a crackling fire, or a TV playing that 3 hour video of a crackling fire.

3 out of 5 Road Runners

New York:

"Fairytale of New York" by: The Pogues

I don't know why I like this song so much, it's beautiful, but a major downer.  I don't really care for the sound of Shane MacGowan's voice at the beginning of the song; too many years of cigarettes, booze and singing punk rock make his voice not quite suited for lilting piano.  Nevertheless, I really like this song.

4 out of 5 Guinness

"A New York Christmas" by Rob Thomas

I like Matchbox Twenty, but I've never been a huge fan of Rob Thomas, all of his solo songs sound exactly the same to me.  That being said, this is a nice Christmas song with a sweet message of compassion.  If you like that mid 90's alternative rock sound, you'll like this song.

3 out of 5 Matchboxes

"Christmas in New York" by: Shilelagh Law

Back to the Irish theme, this song is a lot happier and upbeat than the first one, but, it just feels really generic.  It's a pleasant song, but not a lot else is going on.  It was just "meh" for me.

2 out of 5 Rockefeller Trees

"New York is a Christmas Kind of Town" by: Marah

This song feels like it's a classic Christmas song written decades ago, but it's relatively new.  It has a nice rhythm to it, and the lyrics aren't too cheesy.  It truly feels like a modern classic.  I can understand why all the articles I found written about it love it so much.

4 out of 5 Empire State Buildings