Memory Lane Monday: A Mixed Bag or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Tumor (UPDATED)

This month has been a mixed bag of emotions. So much of a mixed bag, I might need to divide this post up into 2 parts.  First off, if you read my tweets at all, you may have seen a few describing my feelings for the manager at my job.  If not, here's a taste:

 Or this gem:

Or what might have been my absolute favorite day at work thus far...

 So in dealing with an honest-to-Freud Sociopath for 40 hours a week for the past 3 months why the hell wasn't I having just the best time ever?  Well, up until recently, I'd gotten pretty good at just tuning her out and rolling my eyes at her behind her back, determined not to let her drag me down to her level or to make me feel bad about myself.  But then something changed.

The first weekend in August I developed an ingrown thumb nail.  Sounds very uneventful right?  That's what I thought too.  If you've ever have an ingrown nail, you know that the pain that comes with it can be excruciating, especially if it becomes infected.  Lucky me, that's what happened.  Not only did the ingrown nail become infected, but it grew into something...else.

I noticed the ingrown nail on a Saturday.  By the following Friday, it had exploded into a bleedy disgusting mound of pain and terrible.  I dare not describe it further because it's gross.  Just know that it was awful.  And hurty.  You guys, this thing is so painful, if spinal surgery is the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life (and it is), this thumb shit is a very near second.  It got to the point where I was so freaked out and fed up, I needed to seek medical attention.  

After hours of trying to locate an urgent care facility within 50 miles of me that was covered by my HMO, I said "fuck it" and decided to go to the community clinic where we went when we thought Boyfreind's jaw was falling off. After the usual joy that comes with waiting for a doc at the clinic, I finally got to go into an exam room.  I had Boyfriend come in with me because I assumed that the entire nail was just going to need to be cut out to relieve the swelling and pain and I wanted someone to hold my hand. (My good hand.)

While we waited for an eternity in the freezing room for the doctor, I tried to decide on what would be the worse scenario: the doc looks at my thumb and tells me I'm over-reacting and to go home, meaning we wasted time and money going to the clinic OR the doctor looks at my thumb and freaks out because I'm dying of some horrific rare disease and my thumb is about to fall off. Boyfriend snorted at me in bemusement, and told me I was being silly.  I will say this: I hate being right.

Someone buy me this shirt

The doctor finally came in and I told her about the ingrown nail.  She asked me to remove my bandages.  After I did, she gasped and stared at my thumb in stunned silence.  Great.  Eventually she was able to mutter a couple of "Oh My"s while she poked at the horrible-awful that was my thumb. I glanced terrified at Boyfriend who just stared back at me wide-eyed.

So, short-story-long, the doctor put in an urgent referral to a hand surgeon who might need to drain it or cut it off or whatever it is that hand surgeons do in this case.  I don't know what that thing is because even the clinic doctor didn't have any clue what the fuck was wrong with my thumb.  She said she'd never seen anything like it.  Awesome.

It's never good when your doctor makes this face...

She left the room to submit the referral, but I'm pretty sure she just when to her office and Googled my thumb symptoms because when she came back, she had written what she thought it was on a post-it and told me to go home and clean it with iodine every day.  Then she gave me a band-aid and sent me on my way.  Thanks HMO.  Best $15 band-aid and used post-it note combo ever.

According to the doctor's post-it, I have a Pyogenic Granuloma (for the love of all that is good and holy, do not Google images of this, save your eyes.)

So what is it exactly?  Well, the clinic doctor couldn't tell me, so I turned to my old frenemy: WebMD.  According to the internet, I basically have a benign lesion or tumor growing out of my thumb.  Supposedly, it's not uncommon in teen and young-adult women.  It's caused by injury, trauma, or hormone fluctuation, like during pregnancy.  Well, I'm most definitely not preggo, but I figure the combination of all the stress hormones from me suppressing my rage for 8 hours a day at work and my ingrown nail manifested into this terrible awful.  

You know, like this:

 

So, I as sit here at home, still waiting for my "urgent referral" to come in the mail (our healthcare system at work, ladies and gentlemen,) I'm actually starting to wonder: if I concentrate hard enough, maybe the damn thing will fall off on it's own. 

So, here is what I need from you, dear reader(s) if you're still with me:
What should I name my tumor?  I figure if we all hate it by name together, maybe it'll just up and leave.  
Hey, it can't be dumber than waiting for an "urgent" referral for surgery to arrive via the United States Postal Service, right?  What is this, 1850?  

UPDATE:

Ok here we are 2.5 weeks later, and good news: Seymour the Tumor is shrinking! (I decided on Seymour because I thought it was funny.)  It looks like a tiny wrinkled skin prune rather than the swollen red death of pain and suffering that it once was. Also, this is all with absolutely NO thanks to the clinic I went to.  That magical "urgent surgeon request" never showed up. I'm glad it wasn't something that was actually going to kill me.

More good-ish news: I found a better job and when I put in my 3 week notice at my office job with Lucifer, she basically said, "Fine. Don't come back then." And so my 3 week notice turned into a 3 week vacation. Yay?  On the one hand, I was counting on at least 2 more paychecks after giving notice, so the money situation has been unpleasant, (but what else is new?)  On the other hand, I've had time to record Voice Overs for my new demo and I even started working out again. So far, no complaints from the drug-dealer crazy chick downstairs.

Fingers crossed.
 

Words

I've been away from the writing desk for a time and I've missed it.  I've had some ups and some downs as of late, but right now I need to write.  Writing seems to be the only thing that can calm the swirling tornado of words in my brain.  Writing helps quiet the demons.  

You know the demons.  The demons that whisper quietly at you from the dark recesses of your brain.  They start small and soft, hissing at you that you're not good enough, that you'll never be good enough...whatever "good enough" means.  Slowly, (so slowly you almost don't notice) the voices grow louder and louder.  There comes a point where the voices grow so loud you can't distinguish your own thoughts from their incessant taunting. The taunting that constantly rings in your ears until desperation sets in and you can think of nothing but making them stop.

We lost a dear someone to those demons this week.  

I've deliberately avoided a lot of social media this week.  I can't take it.  It's too triggering.  But in stepping away from the screen, I've had a chance to reflect on my own feelings instead of the "hive mind" that can develop when a high profile tragedy occurs and everyone and their fucking goldfish puts in their two cents.

So, right now, I won't be a 2-cent goldfish.  I will say that I'm very sad.  I'm also amazed that a person could have such a "spark of madness," such a gloriously infectious personality that he can make people who never met him feel like they just lost their best friend when he leaves this world.  
If you're battling those demons or if the media shit-sation this week has let slip the dogs of war inside your brain like it has mine, I want you to know you are not alone.  Today I am winning my battle because I'm sitting here writing this.  You are winning your battle today too because you're reading this.  There is hope for us. There is help.  I know sometimes the scariest part is asking for it.  
Please use these resources if you need them.  You are worth it.  You are important.


National Suicide Prevention

Didi Hirsch Suicide Prevention

HopeLine

Thank you, Robin for making the world a better place by being a part of it.