The Vortex of Rule 36 (NSFW)

My friend and fellow Whovian, Jen was having a bad time a couple of weeks ago and one of her friends  bought her a 10th Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver toy to cheer her up. She was so excited that she posted a picture of it on Facebook and the following conversation ensued:

As you can see, I half-jokingly said that I'm sure a sonic screwdriver vibrator existed because of Rule 36. Then out of curiosity, I turned to my old friend, Google to make some hilarious search-engine magic and thus, further brighten Jen's day with ridiculous pics of crazy sonic screwdriver vibrators. But here's the unbelievable part: It. Doesn't. Exist.

I will repeat that. There does not exist a Doctor Who sonic screwdriver vibrator available for retail purchase. Are you kidding me?!?! The world has a sparkling (goddamn sparkling, you guys) icy Twilight dildo but no DOCTOR WHO vibrators?!?!?! WTF internet?!?! You have failed me! I was so flabbergasted by the difficulty of finding such a nerdy obscure sex toy on the internet that I proceeded to lose the next 2 hours of my life to the vortex time suck that is Rule 36.

I was on a mission. I refused to believe that Doctor Who sex toys didn't exist. I needed to know. I needed to find them- not for any personal use- merely on the principle that something with such a massive and cult fandom did not have a plethora of weird kinky shit to go along with it. It's just not normal. I was somewhat correct in my refusal to believe something so nerdy did not have a market for fetishism. I discovered the existence of the "TaRDIS Tickler." Not quite as exciting or pleasing as a vibrating sonic screwdriver, but way more sparkly than that stupid Twi-hard ice dick. (Seriously, if you didn't read the reviews on The Vamp page, you're missing out. Good reads.)

I finally found my answers through the Houston Press and Geek Kink (unfortunately, their Etsy account is no longer active.) There exists a crowd-sourced Sonic Vibrator, but only one Sonic Screwdriver vibrator. The only known Sonic Screwdriver Vibrator I could find in existence was a custom order through Geek Kink. They sell plenty of other items that I'm not shocked exist: TaRDIS BDSM paddles, My Little Pony BDSM paddles (you know, normal Rule 36 stuff) but only one custom 10th Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver vibrator.

Etsy's got weird shit, you guys.

 They said they built the custom vibrator by Jerry-rigging a sonic screwdriver toy with an electric toothbrush motor because it's the same motor that comes in your standard vibrator. (Think about that the next time you brush your teeth.) But Geek Kink can't mass produce them because they built it out of an already existing licensed product. I know DW is technically a family-friendly show, but come on, BBC! Get on that!!! You're sitting on a potential gold mine of Doctor stimulated orgasms!!! People pay good money for stuff like that! 


Wait a tick-

I honestly wonder what the licensing rights to Doctor Who sonic screwdriver sex toys would cost to procure... Oh my god, I'm sitting on a million dollar idea, you guys! Who knows a good patent & licensing attorney?!


And this is why I never get anything done.