Something a Little Bit Different

I've been really struggling with writer's block for the past week-ish. Well, not so much writer's block, more like writer's lack of motivation to sit down and write something for fear that it won't be as amazing as you picture it to be in your head, thus it feels impossible to find the words to start what you know will be the most amazing thing you ever wrote in your life, but can't because those first words are not there. Or, they're inside your brain, but they've been all jumbled up and thrown around, hidden in the massive smokey cloud that is your depression and anxiety-addled brain. The little elves inside are having trouble finding the words in the depression-fogginess of the archived brain card catalog.

Like this, but with more elves and, you know, chaos

But, all is not lost. I made a huge step last Sunday in dealing with my social anxity and depression. Not only did I willingly leave my apartment on a gross rainy evening, but I walked to a street I didn't know very well in my neighborhood and went to a party where I didn't know a single person. And I did all of this BY MYSELF.  Actually, when I put it like that, it sounds all dangerous and foolish. Lemme esplain:

 An old friend of Boyfriend's -Sara- needed a dog-walker to cover her route in June, so he suggested me because I love dogs. Sara and I talked on the phone and via Facebook and all was set, we just hadn't ever met face-to-face. So, she invited me to a small party she was throwing and I said we'd be there. Well, in true the-Universe-is-gonna-test-Jess fashion, Boyfriend had to work a long gig starting super early the morning of the party, so he was exhausted and ended up not going at all. 

Needless to say, Boyfriend not going put me at a scary fork in the road in my muddled brain. I had made it my goal to do more things that scare me like going out in public alone for things other than work (money is an amazing motivator.) Well, this was one of those epicly scary opportunities. I had a choice. I could choose to stay home and play video games or watch TV until Boyfriend got home from work and probably be very comfortable and happy all while the nagging voice of depression/anxiety in my head would say, "You chicken-shit! Why didn't you go out?!"
Or, I could nut up and walk outside in the rain to an apartment I'd never been to full of people I'd never met and maybe have a good experience. And I did. Of course not before having a massive anxiety attack before walking out the door. It was the worst one I'd had in a while. But I did it.
 

Small Victories

I went to Sara's party called the Vision Board Soiree. She and her roommate are wellness professionals and so everyone gets together at this party once a month and goes through magazines and clips out images or words that they find inspiring. It was fun. The idea of a vision board is a little more hippy-dippy than I usually go for, but I'm trying new things. I met a lot of really nice people and made myself a poster for inspiration that now sits next to my desk, reminding me to take chances and get out there and be inspired because good stuff can happen.

My Vision Board

 It's not complete yet, it's a work in progress. Much like me.